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Still swimming/Í briminu

By Þorgerður E Sigurðardóttir
Length: 28:27
Original language
Consultance: Rikke Houd

This piece was produced as part of the radiofeature/documentary project

RANA.
RANA is funded through EU´s Lifelong learning program. More information
about the RANA project can be found on http://www.this.is/rana

Sounds from the street.

Music starts

Footsteps running up stairs

Þorgerður: Me and Sigrún worked together in a bookshop and that’s how

we met.

Sigrún (from a distance): Ok, you managed it?

Þorgerður: Yes

Sigrún: Don’t take your shoes off

Þorgerður: Why?

Sigrún: Because I’ve been too lazy to clean the house

Kissing sounds

Þorgerður: There’s always a lot happening at Sigrún’s place in

Bergstaðarstræti. Her children and grandchildren visit a lot and she has
many friends who drop by. There are many books on the shelves and
beautiful paintings on the walls. You can sit on the balcony in the summer
and watch what’s happening in the city centre.

Talk in the background

Sigrún: Just look at the frontpage of Mogginn (Icelandic newspaper). Just

look at it.

Þorgerður: Sigrún told me that she had bought a house by the seaside.
She wanted buy a house where she could be alone. This decision made
me curious.

Occasionally we get a glimpse into a different world that we didn’t know

existed
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Sound of a car

Sigrún: The weather had been a bit dreary, it almost rained that day but
while I'm working I notice that it keeps getting clearer and around 21:00
the sun is shining in Austurstræti and I get the idea that it might be
incredible to go now .. not wait ... go now ... not wait until I have a day off,
go now and I run up to Bergstaðarstræti and I see that our car is there and
I pack a bag and grab whatever's in the fridge, carry things out to the car
and get going. I go via Þrengslin (a route) as always and it's amazing to
drive through Þrengslin because it gets higher gradually and just when
you drive through an unbelievable view opens up, you can see the
coastline and the sea and you the sun is still there, there is still sun. And I
slide down the hill and I'm so excited, I can't wait to turn left, I open the
windows because the birds are still singing.

Sound of a door opening

I arrive at the house and this time I throw everything inside and go back
outside because the night is too beautiful to spend it inside and I walk
around the garden and the whole village is asleep, there's not a soul
around. It’s silent apart from the seabirds singing.

Music stops. Footsteps. Sounds of seagulls

Sigrún: I bought this house 4 years ago. Then I'd found out that I needed
to be alone, live alone or at least have a retreat. It's so difficult to live
alone when you have a family. Then you have to find a place like this, that
isn't far from Reykjavík and you can go there when you need to. I want to
watch films the whole night if I feel like it, or read. I want to do things here
that I can't easily do at home. I come here to be alone. So guests are not
especially welcome here unless I invite them to come. Unfortunately I
have a phone here so I can still be reached. It's still wonderful here,
there’s swimming pool close by and I have a membership card, I also have
a library card in case I need a book. Then there is the beach and my
garden …

Footsteps

Sigrún: There were no plants or trees here when I arrived. Only this big
fence around the garden. I have carried a lot stones and placed them in
the garden, some kind of lava. I think the moss covered lava is beautiful
and here we have some perennials that can be found in nature.

Music starts.

Sigrún: Saturday nights in Sólvallagata were like heaven. We would often

get cutlets because it was our favourite and then we had a bath on the
kitchen floor...clean pyjamas...and after that we could listen to the
radioplay after the news. Then mother would often make pancakes around
9 o-'clock. They would play dance tunes on the radio…

Voice humming with the song…”I sailed the oceans, wide and blue”

Sigrún: Then our father would teach us how to dance...the

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waltz...foxtrot...quickstep..and all the fashionable dances. Around ten

o’clock we would brush our teeth and go to bed. You can't get closer to
heaven than that.

Music fades. Wind sound.

Sigrún: My father wasn't a typical Icelander in those years, I think. In

those days fathers had the role of spanking their children when they came
home from work for something they did wrong during the day…”just wait
until your father gets home, I will tell him about this”…A lot of the time the
fathers were some kind of monsters who worked all day and didn't really
talk to the children at all. My dad wasn't like that, he came home to play
with us, to tell us stories, teach us how to dance, teach us how to skate
and took us on picnics which was unheard of in those days. But he would
prepare food, bring a blanket and take us to Hljómskálagarður (a park in
the centre of Reykjavík), he would bring the guitar. He was unlike all the
other fathers in Sólvallagata. He sang a lot, he loved operas, he
pronounced the Italian beautifully even though he probably didn't
understand a word. He collected records, his Master's voice. He went
mountain climbing and which wasn't common in those days. He was a an
excellent swimmer, he went swimming every day in the swimming pool in
Norðfjörður and he also swam in the sea. I thought I was the luckiest child
in Iceland.

Distant music. Fading wind sounds

Sigrún: Many years after I've moved away from there I was in the
neighbourhood, went to a shop in Ásvallagata and it was like I'd been
hypnotized , I walked straight home, I walked up Öskustígur and into the
garden and into a flat belonging to complete strangers. And this was 8-10
years after I moved away. And I will always remember how shocked I was,
it was like I was hypnotized, it was like I had completely forgotten that I'd
moved away a long time ago. It felt like I was being pulled forward, you
know…I was in the kitchen at Sólvallagata without realizing how I got
there, it's like I expected my dad to sit there and my mum to stand by the
cooker...I don't know...but all of a sudden I was in the present and there
were complete strangers sitting there and all I could say was "excuse me,
excuse me" and then I ran out.

Sounds from the kitchen. Whistling.

Sigrún: It was friday and we went down town because my mother

wanted to buy a record that was just out because my father was coming
home for the Easter holidays. It was a song that was very popular then
"Það gefur á bátinn við Grænland" And we got into town and my mother
says "it's getting so late, we will only have grjónagrautur (rice pudding) to
eat when we get home". So when we get home she's cooking this
grjónagrautur and there's something in the air and I don't know what it is,
everything seems strange. I can't really describe it, I feel so heavy. My
mother asks me if I'm sleepy and I just say that I feel like I'm fainting. I
don't get it.

Music starts
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Sigrún: Then the doorbell rings. I push my plate away and my head
crashes on the table, I hit the table with my forehead and start to cry and
moan "no, no, no" My brother gets scared and says, "what's wrong, what's
wrong" "Something has happened" I said, "something has happened". My
mother goes to the door and there's man standing there and I can't see
him right away because he can't be seen from the kitchen. I can hear that
she invites him to come in and they go to the living room. And everything
comes crashing down and it feels like heaven and earth are collapsing.

The weather was unbelievably bad, very windy and raining heavily. What
happens is that the engine starts coughing and then it goes silent. The
boat is out of control after that. He does everything he can to restart the
engine but he can't. 25 children lost their fathers when that boat sank and
5 men died...drowned…all of the children were young. Women came
around, aunts, the flat was crowded with people. At last me and my
brother were taken to our the bedroom and it was like I was hit on the
head or something, I passed out, like I was dead.

Music stops. Sea sounds.

Sigrún: I know that he must have been swimming for a long time, fighting
the waves for 12 hours, there are witnesses to that. It was unbearable for
me to know that when me and my family first hear the news about the
boat he's still out there swimming.

Footsteps

Þorgerður: Me and Sigrún walk around her garden by the sea

Sigrún: In the middle of the garden we have a kind of Stuðlaberg (stone),

well not really, it’s just lava of course, burnt lava and an old anchor and
then some old pieces of wood from boats that have broken down here in
the waves east of Þorlákshöfn that I picked up at some point. I’ve also
been collecting shells for decorating. This is a kind of memorial for my
father. Even though his name was carved in some stone in
Fossvogskirkjugarður (churchyard) recently its not...he's not there
because he was never found, I think this says more about his life as a
sailor so I just come here. He died nearby and I remember him here. And
this thin piece of lava could serve as a tombstone. But I really have to
clean this place this spring…

Footsteps. A creaky door opening and closing.

Sigrún: It was really my only inheritance. An old chest with books that
belonged to him. I was helping my mother to clear up a storage space and
she had found this box that belonged to my father and told me to take it
with me. That’s how I found this box. I pick up the book at the top of the
pile in the box, it was the Plague by Camus. I take it to bed and I can’t get
rid of the feeling that it was written just for me. It felt like my father had
taken matters in his own hands long after his death and that he was still
trying…maybe no to bring me up but to guide me. This was such a
treasure to find, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I found these books. It
was such a great feeling to read that book. And it was so difficult to make
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it last … the pages disappeared so quickly. I tried to make it last because

of this strong feeling I felt when I opened it, when I read it. It's terrible that
I can't find it, terrible. It will probably turn up somewhere. That's what
everyone here says... that it will turn up.

Music starts. Wind sounds.

Sigrún: I found it unbelievable that such a young man, only 36 years old,
would just disappear, because his body was never found. I just didn’t get it
for many years. He might have had a severe blow to the head and he
would have lost his memory. I had read about it, that you could lose your
memory. I had even prepared myself for the fact that he might have
another family in some other country, that he had been saved by some
ship and that he didn’t remember his name or where he was from. My
father looked a bit like a foreigner, he wasn’t a typical Icelander at all so I
found it likely that sailors on some foreign ship who picked him up would
never have guessed that he was an Icelander and they would take him
away somewhere, maybe to South-America. And he would have forgotten
his name and would have a new family…and I had already forgiven them,
I’d thought that through many times, I would forgive him for having
another wife and other children if I could only get him back, if I could just
see him once more. If only he would come back. I actually dreamt the
same dream for many many years after we moved, that I walked down
Sólvallagata, went inside, down the stairs and into the flat and I could hear
dad's voice in the kitchen. I always hurried into the kitchen and saw him
sitting beside the radio, an old brown wooden radio that stood in the
window. In the first dreams I would run through the kitchen that was long
and narrow, I ran into his arms and then he disappeared. Then I got to be
very sensible in the dreams, I began stopping in the kitchen doorway,
leaning against the doorframe and he said "come to me, come to me,
aren't you going to come to me and say hello?" And then I said "no I'm
going to stand here because you disappear as soon as I touch you". That
way I could make the dream last longer and I could talk to him for quite a
while from a distance. I dreamt this for many years.

Music stops. Footsteps on the beach. Sea sound

Sigrún: The waves are sometimes unbelievable, crazy. The waves go up

to these stones and they are so loud. But majestic and beautiful, you can
sit here forever and watch.

Music starts. Footsteps on gravel. Door opens.

Þorgerður: Sigrún has been alone in the house by the sea (door closes)
but now she’s on her way back to the city. She packs her bags and locks
up. She puts her bag into the car (car door closes) and drives away.

Sound of a driving car

Sigrún: I woke up from a dream. I saw myself as an old woman in this

dream, sitting with my offspring around me on a porch. I didn't feel like
this porch was in Iceland, it was in some other country. All these people
looked really southern, all my offspring standing or sitting around me and
me sitting in a chair, very old. And it felt strange to watch myself in some
kind of a parallel reality. And I got this feeling that this was my family...a
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family I had in some other dimension that was happening parallel to our
reality. That's the feeling I got and afterwards, I felt like I was living with
this imagined family of my father somewhere else...now…

City sounds

Þorgerður: A year has passed from my first conversation with Sigrún.

(music stops) A whole winter has passed and soon there will be Easter
again.

Chatting and giggling

Þorgerður: She phones me and asks me to come and see her. She’s got
some good news. There are some friends visiting when I arrive, they are
having coffee.

Sigrún: I’ve been thinking so much about the book, I’ve been looking for
it everywhere. I’ve looked through all the bookshelves several times, there
are so many bookshelves here as you can see. There are bookshelves out
in the hall and also upstairs. I asked Bragi (owner of a second hand
bookshop in Reykjavík) for it but he didn’t have a copy. Then I went to
Kolaportið (indoor market in Reykjavík) and there’s a man there with a
large bookstall and I ask him if he has this book. He looks at me for bit and
then he tells me that he’s had this book for a long time but recently a man
asked about it, only a few days ago and “now you’re asking about it. Is
there some special reason why you’re both asking for this book now? I’ve
had a copy of this book for many years.” I told him that I was asking
because I’d lost my copy of the book, there was no other reason for me
asking. He told me that he still had a copy because he had shown it to that
man who asked for it but suddenly he was gone without buying it, so it’s
still there.

I asked him to describe the man who asked for the book, because I got
this strange feeling …. goosebumps on the back off my neck ….. I don’t
know why. “Who was it who asked about the book?” “It was quite an old
man, maybe around 80 years old who asked about the book.” “And what
was he like?” “Well, he had white hair. He was an old man, I can’t describe
him any further, I’m not good at describing other people, it was just and
old man with white hair.”

He goes to get the book, hands it to me, and I buy it. I come home and I’m
really happy with the book. I walk in, carrying the book and as I walk into
the living room…I’m trying to find a place for the new book…I see the
other one. It’s just there, in the right place on the bookshelf. It’s there,
there’s no denying the fact that it’s there. I take it from the shelf and
examine it and yes, it’s the right book. So all of a sudden I have 2 books. I
find this unbelievable, I phone Sveinn, my husband, right away and ask
him if he might have found the book without telling me and he answers
“what’s the matter with you, if I’d found it I would have told you right
away”. So we were speechless for 2 or 3 days, he took the book with him
to the bedroom, the one I bought, that is, I didn’t want him to take the
other one that was surely mine. He brought it up to the bedroom and
said: “Aren’t you going to read yours? Aren’t you going to read yours?”
and I said “No, it has to happen under very special circumstances, I’m
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going to bring it to the house (by the sea), I’m going to be alone because
I’m hoping to get this unique feeling again, this very special unique feeling
I felt before, that this book was written for me, no one else. I’m going to
see if I get flooded with this feeling again and I’m so excited. I’m going to
do this next week. So …. I’m lost for words.

Þorgerður: This is so strange.

Sigrún: Like I said, I’ve been looking so carefully for it and the same day
as I get the other book it’s just there on the shelf. Like it’s always been
there. This is the story about the book. I’m going to the house on the 31st
of March and I will bring it with me. I’m going to take my time, get
comfortable, I’m going to cook, I’ll light candles, have a glass of red wine.
I’m going to sit in the corner of the sofa with the pillows all around me and
look at a picture of my father, for some reason I feel like that should be
included and then I’m going to open it and read.

Music starts

Þorgerður: Occasionally we get a glimpse into a different world that we

didn’t know existed.

Sigrún: I'm nine years old and there has been constant talk about a solar
eclipse. And it's summer, wonderful summer. There has been talk about a
solar eclipse for days and everybody's talking about it "What is this, what
happens, what is a a solar eclipse? Does the sun just get turned off? Will
there be nighttime? What happens? Will there be night? And we are all so
excited. My father is in good spirits, he sits there and hands out soot
glasses and we are all so excited. “I can't wait, I can't wait.” And we're
standing there, all of us and my father keeps saying: " Sigrún, do you have
your soot glasses? Jónas, do you have yours? He ask all the children and
yes, everyone is ready and we all stand there and stare in the direction of
the sun and yes, it is as bright as always, everything is illuminated and
beautiful and the birds sing and the flowers are in bloom, everything is like
it should be.

Then something strange happens, everything goes silent all of a sudden

and I can tell that something is happening. You know...the birds have gone
quiet and you can't hear anything and I feel a strange blowing in the air.
And I get goose bumps before I know it, because the wind has gone cold.
A cold wind blows suddenly and I notice that the trees cast long shadows
in the garden and we look up and we see how the moon is covering the
sun and it becomes smaller and smaller and it grows colder and colder
and it's almost indescribably creepy. It's stone dead, there is no wind
anymore, it's just cold. It's dark, no birds and I hear the women say "oh
god, oh " and the youngest children start to cry and I stand on my father’s
shoulders because I thought I would see better, that the sun would be
closer and I sit down on his shoulders and hold on to his face, his head,
and I can't look at this anymore and I remove the glass on to his head and
bury my face in his hair and I say " Stop it dad, let the sun come back,
stop it"

Sea sounds. Music fades

The End
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©2009 RANA/Þorgerður E. Sigurðardóttir